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| I love Sundays. Sundays are the best way to end one week and start a new one...
I feel like my internal struggle might be over.
I finally know how I want to live my life...
& its not to be one with this world...
or one with my friends.
I'm going to take a leap of faith.
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| Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe.
Maybe that was it. Literally: that was it.
Maybe I'm just overreacting.
Maybe I don't have any reason to be sad.
Maybe I dont have any reason to be angry.
Because...
that was the plan.
That was the plan all along.
It was set like a equation.
The outcome was planned. So, I shouldn't be surprised, right?
Maybe.
Maybe...
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| Are you there? Are you?
I'm such an idiot. I just hope that... you will forgive me for leading such a selfish lifestyle.
I feel like I'm drowning... but I'm realizing that the worst is yet to come.
But... don't save me. I will take all the punishment in as deserved.... because I need to suffer longer.
Sincerely, Amanda.
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| BIPOLAR or what?
I'm really dreading the flight back to Berkeley. I'm going to make sure that the next time I fly home... will be in December. I feel more homesick now than I did before I came home... oh, how ironic.
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| Okay, I decided last week to spontaneously buy a plane ticket home and now... I'm home. I have to admit, being home is great. I wake up to ALREADY WASHED DISHES (Yes! I didn't realize how thankful I am that my mom does the dishes at home), lots and lots of catered food, and I've been taking 4-5 hour naps and still sleeping by 12am. Yes, life is... great? Right?
Ok, I feel like a lazy sack of potatoes. The sad thing is, I thought that I would be completely satisfied being a lazy sack of potatoes when I booked my ticket home last week. FALSE. I can't stop thinking about school... and my responsibilities at school... and my schedule of classes for this next semester and what new activities I want to take part in because you know, all the random (and somehow, marketing-based) activities I do on campus aren't already consuming my mind 24 fucking 7.
Being home is a good break from everything... Well, just Berkeley... but being home has lead to more temptations. The minute I wake up, I'm surrounded by temptations. Starting from wanting to binge eat all the time, to wanting that little stick of chemical goodness... seeing friends at SD was fun... but then watching everybody reach their buzz while I sat there on the couch trying so hard to lead a less-hypocritical life... Gah. BUT, I FAILED. Everything. I gave in. Now, I have the urge to jump on the plane and go back to Berkeley to start all over. I guess this is what Christy was referring to--the life of a Christian... How its indeed one of the hardest thing to be.
I can understand why people want to be ignorant to religion, church, their relationship with God, etc because its SO EASY to just pretend like this almighty figure isn't watching your every move. It's SO EASY to think that "God loves sinners" or that "God will ALWAYS forgive me." God only shows mercy to those who are merciful. How is one merciful and truly sorry if they know what they're doing is wrong and disappointing God but they do it again and again? They're not.
I can't pretend to be ignorant anymore because I'm not... and I can't thank God enough for that.
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